Stories Welcome

Just wanted to remind you that I am still would love to post your PAD stories. I think they really help others going through it.

 All the best during this Holiday Season!

~Elizabeth

Effects of Maternal Depression and BTW I Still Suck.

I found THIS article quite interesting and relevant to PAD.

For those of us that have gone through PAD we know how much it can affect the mother-child bond. We also know how much the focus of adoption, in its early weeks, is all about creating that important bond. Speaking for myself, now that the PAD is over (thank God) and our bond is alive and well, I still worry about it. You see, in this article it speaks about how after the maternal depression is over, the mothers who suffered still view their kids as being more difficult or fussier than normal and less securely attached. Are these kids truly so, or is it just her outlook that still has not changed? Chicken or egg?

I think kids believe their parent’s view of them, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.  This morning my daughter decided that playing hide and seek was the priority to getting out the door when our carpool had already arrived and then crying and stomping her little feet when her plastic bangles wouldn’t stay on her slim wrists as I tried to wrangle her boots and coat on to get her out the door. I thought to myself, Why is she being so difficult? She is my challenging child, as I tossed her bangles down the hall and handed her over to our ride.

Ah, but I better get a grip on this. This opinion of her has been formed from the start of our relationship. Though I can say I love her now and know deep in my being that this is the truth, I wonder if I have not yet let go enough of our tenuous start.  My dream is for her to grow up and meet her highest potential in whatever her passions are. I want her to be a strong and creative woman, well rooted with empathy for her early childhood, and with fierceness to meet life full in the face unapologetically.

If this is my hope for her, then I better get this vision underway now. If I think she is difficult, I’m sure my little intuitive princess can feel this. She is so very good at reading me. My vision and opinion of  her now better match my future hopes for her so that she can believe them too.

Bloody hell, motherhood is so deep. I heard an interview of an author recently that wrote a book about her aging mother. She said to the interviewer, “Show me a mother that thinks she has a great relationship with her daughter and I’ll show you a daughter in therapy.”

 That was sort of meant as a joke to lighten the mood of this post. What do you make of all this?

Maternal Depression

I’ve been trying to compare post adoption depression with postpartum depression. I have found by and large that the two have a great many things in common such as fatigue, lack of joy (understatement), sense of numbness, isolation, lack of concern for self and/or baby, insomnia, over/under focusing on baby, decrease libido, mood swings, appetite changes and thoughts of suicide.

However, post adoption depression has some unique issues. With international adoption the child is often not a newborn and can be hyper-aware of their new caregiver and their emotions. The guilt of knowing the child can see you struggling surmounts swiftly. The guilt turns to rage. I’m unsure if PPD sufferers go through same ugly rage, I can only surmise that it is possible.

The children often arrive from  institutions with their own issues and likely are going through their own grieving. There has been no nine moths of physical contact between mother and child and there is no bond between you both.

Lastly, the biggest difference is that PAD is not recognized, not spoken about and is usually kept hidden by the guilt ridden mother. Many care providers have not even heard of it and don’t understand the unique issues we face with our new kids.

Another  point of PAD is that the mother, stressed and standing on the edge of the knife, has the ability to disrupt the adoption. She can end the whole shebang with a call to the agency. Sure, us PAD sufferers have all toyed with the thought, especially after a particularly challenging moment, but most of us don’t actually follow through. However, some do. I wonder how many, given enough support, might have backed away from that decision chosing instead to work on themselves and the bond with their child.

In my next post I will discuss how maternal depression might affect the child.

Poem

In searching for poems or artwork to do with mother’s depression  I came across this one written by Laren Hale. It really spoke to me so I thought I would share it with you.

Though she writes about PPD, I think this piece shows how closely related PAD and PPD are.

Whispers In the Wind

As her baby slept in the safety of his crib,

She wept.

As she listened to his cries,

Her mind raced,

Her skin tingled,

Her heart constricted.

As he played quietly on the floor,

Her breath caught

As words attempted

To escape.

Words that if uttered could

Change everything.

Words that would

Allay her fears and

Soothe her tears.

Every minute of every hour

She would breathe deeply and

Hope.

Hope to find the courage

To let those words be torn from her throat.

Hope that today would be the day

She would once again find herself.

Hour by Hour she clawed against time

Fighting for her very soul.

Struggling against the dark storm surrounding

Her new existence.

Where was her bright and bubbly?

Her soft and cuddly?

She finds herself abandoned instead

In the land of the

Unabashedly Clamorous Infant

Only pretending to sleep.

Then her day came.

Brimming with determined fervor,

She let all of her fears tumble away into

The Ears of her doctor.

Even with a long road ahead of her

She discovers the joy of her infant’s smile,

The peace in his drowsy rest,

The quiet happiness of his play.

No longer is she counting the seconds

Before his next nap.  No, now she

Counts the seconds before they are

Reunited.

In due time even the thick fog in

Which she had been trapped fades away

As abruptly as a whisper in the wind.

She has survived.

Conquered fears, turned away tears,

Embraced the future of her years.

A simple message for all

Now resides deep within her heart.

There is hope.

There is strength.

Most importantly though

This newly survived Mother wants you to know

You are not alone.

Oprah…

did an article on PAD this month which you can read HERE.

“It’s a common assumption that new adoptive parents are nothing but overjoyed because the long struggle to have a child is finally over. Well, not so fast. A host of emotions—feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, confusion—often compete with happiness. The result is a little-discussed but common downside shared by many of these parents: depression. “There are so many paradoxical messages thrown at them: ‘You’re a saint. You’ve saved a child. This child is so lucky to have been adopted,’” says Karen Foli, PhD, assistant professor at the Purdue University School of Nursing in West Lafayette, Indiana, and coauthor of the book The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption. “But if you complain or admit to struggling, the reaction is ‘Just be grateful.’ And the adoptive parent can shut down or experience guilt for having these feelings.”

For some parents, says Foli, an adoptive parent herself, the joy of adopting coincides with lingering grief over a lengthy battle with infertility. What’s more, conspicuous physical differences between adopted children and their parents or siblings may elicit unwelcome attention from strangers that can intrude upon the bonding experience. Unsolicited input from friends and family—well meaning or not—can also reinforce feelings of inadequacy for newly adoptive parents, who may feel insecure and overwhelmed, particularly if their child has experienced trauma or neglect. “ READ MORE

More Myths

Myth:  PAD is shameful and should be hidden. It should never be admitted and absolutely never spoken about. PAD reflects poorly upon the adoptive mother.

Truth: illness and emotional stress are never shameful. PAD is nothing that a mother asks for nor deserves. Topics deemed shameful only serve to keep the problem in the dark and isolate the women experiencing them making them less likely to reach out for help.

 

Myth: PAD means that you are a terrible mother and don’t love your child.

Truth: PAD is very stressful and fuelled by high levels of guilt. When this guilt is bottled up it turns to anger. These emotions start to come between you both blocking out the fledgling bond and the growing love. The truth is the love is there but PAD may be eclipsing your experience of it.

PAD Myths Two and Three

Myth: PAD means that you are a terrible mother and/or were made infertile for a reason.

Truth: This is what is playing on audio loop in your head and likely you are listening to it.  Know this, you did not ask for PAD and the guilt you are feeling is keeping you in it. You are a struggling mother going through a difficult time, plain and simple. There are ways to help yourself out, but first you need to know you are not responsible for bringing this into your life.  Easier said than done, but don’t buy into the guilt.

Myth: PAD proves that adoption is unnatural and foreign.

Truth: Really? Do I have to address this? If this were true then all mothers with postpartum depression are also unnatural mothers and shouldn’t have children either.  Furthermore, all children not being raised by their biological parents, be it from divorce or other, are also living unnatural lives. Give me a break. All PAD proves is that the transition and bonding of an adopted child and new mother is complex and sadly it has lacked much support and understanding. That is all.

PAD Myth

Myth: PAD is not like postpartum depression because PPD is affected by imbalanced hormones from pregnancy.

Truth: PAD is enormously stressful. No there are no pregnancy hormones in your system. But stress, especially in high levels for prolonged periods of time, affects all your body systems. Yes even your hormones, throwing them out of whack. Your life is upside down with the arrival of a newly adopted child, and your physical body becomes out of balance from the stress of it all.

 

Four Steps to Cope with Post Adoption Depression

Post adoption depression happens more often than not. 65% is more than half of us. But most of us are surprised when it occurs to us anyway. Being prepared ahead of time for this possibility can make a difference. Read up on the topic, have a plan to make the transition easiest for all involved.

1. If your spouse can be home more often by taking time off work or working from home for the first few months or until you are on your feet, this alone can be the support you need, not to mention help the whole family in bonding together. Husbands, I know that adoption is expensive but if your partner is susceptible to PAD then now is not the time to pick up extra shifts, put that off for a little longer.

2. Adoption agencies and books on the topic of bonding teach that we alone should care for our newly adopted and transitioning child for the first few weeks. The reasoning for this is to establish the family bond and to impress upon the child that you alone are the mother/father and will care for their needs exclusively, as opposed to being another orphanage where the caregivers always change. The reasoning is sound and child centered. However, I took this to heart and found it another way to add guilt to my growing PAD. It needs a balance, especially if you are already losing your own balance, like I was.

So, number two is to schedule time for yourself into the calendar. You are not doing this at the risk of your new child, you are doing this to fill your cup up to be the mother that is required. No one runs on empty. What to schedule into your calendar? Coffee with a good friend, a trip to the gym, yoga, a walk alone. Go for a massage (yes you do deserve it). Anything really that helps nourish who you really are when you are not doing for others. Schedule a couple activities like this a week, or however often you can manage it. Where do you leave your child? With trusted family or friends, preferably in your house, they will be fine. 

Tip : actually writing it into your calendar helps psychologically in those moments where you feel you are reaching your limit. Just knowing that some down time is coming up and seeing it there written in pen can help you get through some tough moments.

3. So many conflicting emotions swirl through you when you are wading in PAD. Thoughts that support the belief that you suck as a mother. Worry for your child. Wondering what you got yourself into and if you made a mistake. Will the love ever grow? Will it ever feel natural? These emotions can build to block out the loving bond that is slowly growing between you and your child. Find an outlet for them.

I wrote in a journal. I wrote the negative emotions out and later destroyed the book. Perhaps it will be another outlet for you such as running with your kid in a stroller. Exercise is an amazing stress releaser.  Drawing or painting are great creative outlets. Blogging and reaching out to friends can help you feel heard. Writing poetry may speak to your soul. The point is not to bottle the crazy mix within yourself so it becomes toxic.

4. Find a caregiver for yourself. There isn’t a lot of research on PAD yet, but if you explain to them that it is much like postpartum depression, or look for one that specializes in PPD then you should be fine. Go talk. Put the cross down for a little while.  Also, seek medical help if you feel you need it. There is no shame in it. You go to help yourself feel better, and the spin-off benefit is that the whole family will feel the positive effects of you getting back on your feet.

The bottom line and common denominator in these four points is that you do things to make yourself feel better. This can be hard when adoption is child centered, and it is for good reason. However, in order to be your best self and a great mom, you need to feel supported and have filled your cup up so you can give to others.

Of the many adoptive mothers I know that bypassed PAD, I find that they refused to allow the guilt into their lives. They used nannies, daycares and family supports whenever they needed and kept themselves strong emotionally. I think there are things to be learned from them.

Not Attached

A comment by a reader, in part…

“Yesterday I got my first compliment from an acquaintance on my mothering skills and it sounded really genuine. She said I was calm and “non-hovering” unlike many first time moms. I thanked her, but my first thought was “well, that’s because I’m not that attached to her”.

I can so relate. My beautiful Mermaid Princess (her name for herself), used to fall down a lot. In front of me. On purpose. A complete klutz. It would infuriate me. How can she be so uncoordinated? Is she trying to drive me nuts?

 Now I can see, without the veil of my PAD, that she was raining opportunities down on me, to step up and be her mother. Set her on her feet and kiss her boo-boos. I do so now. But not back then in the early days. She gave me so many chances to step up, and finally, eventually, I started to wake up to the amazing child in my life. But not initially.

She would trip at the park and I would bark at her to stand up. I was over it. I was not attached. But she was. She needed me to attach to her. She never lost the vision of us. I gradually woke up to it. She was the wise one until I could do it.

Amazing Grace. How I thank the Universe for her now.