PAD Myths Two and Three

Myth: PAD means that you are a terrible mother and/or were made infertile for a reason.

Truth: This is what is playing on audio loop in your head and likely you are listening to it.  Know this, you did not ask for PAD and the guilt you are feeling is keeping you in it. You are a struggling mother going through a difficult time, plain and simple. There are ways to help yourself out, but first you need to know you are not responsible for bringing this into your life.  Easier said than done, but don’t buy into the guilt.

Myth: PAD proves that adoption is unnatural and foreign.

Truth: Really? Do I have to address this? If this were true then all mothers with postpartum depression are also unnatural mothers and shouldn’t have children either.  Furthermore, all children not being raised by their biological parents, be it from divorce or other, are also living unnatural lives. Give me a break. All PAD proves is that the transition and bonding of an adopted child and new mother is complex and sadly it has lacked much support and understanding. That is all.

Post Adoption Depression Myth

Myth: PAD is not like postpartum depression because PPD is affected by imbalanced hormones from pregnancy.

Truth: PAD is enormously stressful. No there are no pregnancy hormones in your system. But stress, especially in high levels for prolonged periods of time, affects all your body systems. Yes even your hormones, throwing them out of whack. Your life is upside down with the arrival of a newly adopted child, and your physical body becomes out of balance from the stress of it all.

Four Steps to Cope with Post Adoption Depression

Post adoption depression happens more often than not. 65% is more than half of us. But most of us are surprised when it occurs to us anyway. Being prepared ahead of time for this possibility can make a difference. Read up on the topic, have a plan to make the transition easiest for all involved.

1. If your spouse can be home more often by taking time off work or working from home for the first few months or until you are on your feet, this alone can be the support you need, not to mention help the whole family in bonding together. Husbands, I know that adoption is expensive but if your partner is susceptible to PAD then now is not the time to pick up extra shifts, put that off for a little longer.

2. Adoption agencies and books on the topic of bonding teach that we alone should care for our newly adopted and transitioning child for the first few weeks. The reasoning for this is to establish the family bond and to impress upon the child that you alone are the mother/father and will care for their needs exclusively, as opposed to being another orphanage where the caregivers always change. The reasoning is sound and child centered. However, I took this to heart and found it another way to add guilt to my growing PAD. It needs a balance, especially if you are already losing your own balance, like I was.

So, number two is to schedule time for yourself into the calendar. You are not doing this at the risk of your new child, you are doing this to fill your cup up to be the mother that is required. No one runs on empty. What to schedule into your calendar? Coffee with a good friend, a trip to the gym, yoga, a walk alone. Go for a massage (yes you do deserve it). Anything really that helps nourish who you really are when you are not doing for others. Schedule a couple activities like this a week, or however often you can manage it. Where do you leave your child? With trusted family or friends, preferably in your house, they will be fine. 

Tip : actually writing it into your calendar helps psychologically in those moments where you feel you are reaching your limit. Just knowing that some down time is coming up and seeing it there written in pen can help you get through some tough moments.

3. So many conflicting emotions swirl through you when you are wading in PAD. Thoughts that support the belief that you suck as a mother. Worry for your child. Wondering what you got yourself into and if you made a mistake. Will the love ever grow? Will it ever feel natural? These emotions can build to block out the loving bond that is slowly growing between you and your child. Find an outlet for them.

I wrote in a journal. I wrote the negative emotions out and later destroyed the book. Perhaps it will be another outlet for you such as running with your kid in a stroller. Exercise is an amazing stress releaser.  Drawing or painting are great creative outlets. Blogging and reaching out to friends can help you feel heard. Writing poetry may speak to your soul. The point is not to bottle the crazy mix within yourself so it becomes toxic.

4. Find a caregiver for yourself. There isn’t a lot of research on PAD yet, but if you explain to them that it is much like postpartum depression, or look for one that specializes in PPD then you should be fine. Go talk. Put the cross down for a little while.  Also, seek medical help if you feel you need it. There is no shame in it. You go to help yourself feel better, and the spin-off benefit is that the whole family will feel the positive effects of you getting back on your feet.

The bottom line and common denominator in these four points is that you do things to make yourself feel better. This can be hard when adoption is child centered, and it is for good reason. However, in order to be your best self and a great mom, you need to feel supported and have filled your cup up so you can give to others.

Of the many adoptive mothers I know that bypassed PAD, I find that they refused to allow the guilt into their lives. They used nannies, daycares and family supports whenever they needed and kept themselves strong emotionally. I think there are things to be learned from them.

Not Attached

A comment by a reader, in part…

“Yesterday I got my first compliment from an acquaintance on my mothering skills and it sounded really genuine. She said I was calm and “non-hovering” unlike many first time moms. I thanked her, but my first thought was “well, that’s because I’m not that attached to her”.

I can so relate. My beautiful Mermaid Princess (her name for herself), used to fall down a lot. In front of me. On purpose. A complete klutz. It would infuriate me. How can she be so uncoordinated? Is she trying to drive me nuts?

 Now I can see, without the veil of my PAD, that she was raining opportunities down on me, to step up and be her mother. Set her on her feet and kiss her boo-boos. I do so now. But not back then in the early days. She gave me so many chances to step up, and finally, eventually, I started to wake up to the amazing child in my life. But not initially.

She would trip at the park and I would bark at her to stand up. I was over it. I was not attached. But she was. She needed me to attach to her. She never lost the vision of us. I gradually woke up to it. She was the wise one until I could do it.

Amazing Grace. How I thank the Universe for her now.

Why Me?

What fuels post adoption depression? Why did I get it? Frig, beats the hell out of me. I mean I’m a nurse that deals with birth and new moms, I spoke about postpartum depression with patients! I have a psychiatric nurse for a husband. You would think this would not have happened to me. Or at the very least, if it happened, one of us would have been able to see it for what it was and fix it. But nope, and nope. And if I keep thinking along these lines I just add more guilt to the ugly soup of remorse. Ahhh, tasty stuff.

I believe what fuels PAD is different for everyone, and I think it’s usually a mixed bag of treats. Perhaps part of it is grieving the loss of not having a biological child. This was not the case for me, but I have heard it is for others. Perhaps, like me, it is just so overwhelming to have a new child in the house that you have zero history with and that won’t be ‘going home’ anytime soon. I mean not only did you not grow attached to them while they grew in your uterus, but also perhaps you didn’t even know them for the first couple years of their life at all. They have a history you will never know about.

Add to that the fact that the child is totally freaked out, and/or grieving and possibility not displaying their best attributes. Then you feel overwhelmed and pull back emotionally, then you feel guilty for not falling instantly in-love with your baby. Then they see and feel this and you know they do and you feel like such a loser so add more guilt. I mean, they have been through so much in their lives, now here you are adding to it.

The child may have some unpleasant habits from orphanage life, perhaps they bite, they hoard, perhaps they just rock and stare. Everything gets so cloudy you can’t decipher what is normal age appropriate behavior, what is adoption behaviour and what is the PAD anymore.

Is it any wonder that just 65% of adoptive mothers go through PAD?

But it doesn’t stop there, no, it becomes this cycle, this amniotic fluid that you breath and live in all the time. You do your best to navigate through this hard time and try to keep a vision of how you want things to be between you two. Mother and child. Love. But it feels like you are so far away and you will never get there. The feelings will never be natural. You start to stand in you own way. The guilt turns to anger, the anger erupts. You are mortified you just validated your deepest thoughts of yourself as a terrible nasty mother. Perhaps there is a reason you were made infertile. So the guilt  deepens. The guilt. The guilt. The guilt. It stand between you both and keeps you from bonding.

If only you could let go of the guilt. This was the hardest part. Letting go of the guilt is what let the love start to grow for me. But in order to get to the mother child scene in my head, I had to keep letting it go, letting go of the remorse. Saying goodbye to the bad days of past and stop replaying them in my head to torture myself and keep me imprisoned in the cycle. Sure I had some very painful human moments, but this kid was willing to forgive and love me still. Not sure why really? Perhaps their standard for mother was not very high. But it kept me going, and I wasn’t about to go to all that trouble to adopt this child and not have a loving relationship with them. So I struggled onward.

It took me a long time. But I share my PAD freely and as honestly as I can bear it so that maybe another mother out there can use my case as stepping-stones to step out of her own cycle and emerge the good mother she really is always was.

Forgiveness

While going through post adoption depression I felt rage that I had trouble containing.  At times it felt like I was trying to keep a lid on a volcano that wanted to erupt with force.

Little by little I’m releasing myself from those memories so I can move forward and be my best today.

“There is no pill, no lotion, no potion, no energy balancing, no psychic reading, no affirmation that can change what was.
As the light shines into darkness so does love bring warmth and peace to the blackest of blackest places. And you have seen some black places. This is true for all.

Forgiveness of self is the key to accessing the light. The forgiveness of others is noble, yet, forgiveness of self must come first. “
~ Phil Walmsley

Post Adoption Depression and My Lighthouse

I’m no expert. Well, maybe I am. By way of experience, having adopted two children. Maybe I’m an expert because I have a medical background. However, I’m afraid to call myself an expert on anything because doesn’t that mean I hold all the answers? I do not. I do have the wisdom of having gone through PAD though.  Yup, I went through it, it was ugly, and now I’m out the other side.  Phew! Only took a year.

And so, I’ve decided to share what I learned here. My blog is fairly new and the focus of it was not honed, in fact it started to feel too scattered. I took some time to think about this and spoke with some friends about it and decided to refocus on what is important to me. And that is to bring light to Post Adoption Depression.

I still welcome all your adoption stories. I think we learn from each other so well that way. It’s like a reflection of ourselves to see others struggle with similar issues, and maybe learn new ways to deal with our own. Post adoption depression isn’t shameful anymore than postpartum depression is shameful. 65% of us adoptive mothers are going through it. And it doesn’t mean that we should not have adopted anymore than PPD means they should not have borne a child. To say that is silly.

So to start with I wanted to share something deeply personal (why not it’s only the Internet, right?).

When I was going through PAD I was completely lost to myself. I was a leaf blowing in a storm, totally ungrounded. I hated everything, my life and especially myself. I struggled to get a grip on a daily basis, but it seemed there was no one thing that could help me long-term. But something that helped a little longer than most was  prayer.

Now don’t groan. I’m not a religious person at all, though I was raised as one. I needed something meditative to find myself again, to focus back on who I really was, and at that point I wasn’t even sure who that was anymore. I wanted the peace and focus of something to start me off on the right foot every morning, event though I knew by night fall I would have failed myself and my family 100 times over.

I could not find such a prayer, one that didn’t feel like just words, to a type of God I didn’t really believe existed. I turned to a book called Illuminata by Maryanne Williamson. She had penned some good prayers that I had liked in the past.

No surprise, she didn’t have a prayer about adoption. So I wrote my own to help me feel there was a lighthouse calming me to safety while I  tossed in the waves. I share this with you (it’s also in my book).

Dear Loving Source

Through a complex journey overseen by you

I have finally been united with my children

I rejoice in this as the wait for their arrival was hard for me.

Our separation made me ache.

Now finally my children are home and I thank you

May I never dishonour their previous life

I give thanks especially to the women who gave them life and in whose body they were created.

I pray Oh Loving Source that she heals from the pain of releasing her child

And I pray she always knows how grateful I am to her.

Help me with the special challenges of our newly formed family

Help my children gain strong identities

Never to be shaken by their past

May they see their life history as unique

May they embrace it

 May it never hinder them from shining their light on the world and completing their purpose

And be firmly rooted in the knowledge that they are loved and supported by many

Especially their family

Especially you.

Thank you.

Older Child Adoption by Voni

What I think I know about Older Child adoption

                I’m always careful when I write these types of articles…because I’m not an expert.  I don’t work in the adoption field and I’ve only gone through one type of adoption…so no real frame of reference.  But, I can say that I am an advocate for knowledge in this area and I have a wide range of friends (both online and IRL) that have been there, done that – and shared their experiences with me.

                I am all for older child adoption…these children are not throw-aways…they deserve and most of them want a home and a family.  There are children in the US foster system that are considered hard to place simply because of their age (over 4) or the fact they have siblings (whether to be placed together or simply have contact after placement).  There are orphans all around the globe that are also considered permanent orphans due to their age alone.  That is not ok…age does not determine who needs a family.  Can you imagine graduating from HS and there is no one there to cheer you on?  Can you imagine wanting to play a sport and having no one to   drive you to practice or help you get the equipment?  There are many wonderful foster parents that provide loving homes to these children…but it’s not the same as having someone to   call Mom and Dad…someone permanent.  All that said, I think that older child adoption requires more than rose-colored glasses and a ‘save the world’ attitude…it requires research and knowledge.

                There are a million books that people will tell you to read while pursuing older child adoption and I agree that reading is paramount.  However, I read all the books and still didn’t get it.  It’s like studying a war you’ve never heard of…the facts are there, but the gut reaction is hard to get.  Until I had my children home, I didn’t understand the importance of certain things.  As you read, remember that my children have RAD.  I try not to, but it colors every second of my existence and my thoughts about outside situations.  So, here are a few things to keep in mind for adopting an older child.

• They have histories.  They are not clean slates…they will talk like someone else, look like someone else, have medical histories from someone else…and many of them have been hurt by someone else.  Even those histories that are scary, neglectful and abusive are theirs and they will often hang onto that…it’s the one thing they have left of who they were ‘before’.  Trust me…there is BEFORE and AFTER in their minds.  The best we can hope for is to make their after a happy and healthy place.

• They will have diagnosis…both correct and off base.  Most older kids are labeled.  Most older kids will become labeled if they aren’t already.  I don’t mean that negatively, but truthfully…they will most likely be behind their peers.  Medical/behavioral reports can be doctored to make the child look more ‘adoptable’ (both in the US and internationally).  In many international adoptions, there will be scary physical diagnosis that are not true…but are listed because the belief is that all orphans are sick.  When they come home, you will have to sort out the details and be open to what needs to be done to help them.  This could be as simple as tutoring to help catch up in school, or as difficult as many therapy appointments and specialists throughout life. 

• You may not be able to parent the way you’ve always done it.  You may have other children who you feel you’ve done a great job raising.  However, that may not work.  For RAD kids, rewards are useless.  For FASD kids, cause and effect is totally lacking.  There are a million other examples.  You may have to parent the children well below their calendar age and meet them where they are.  When you adopt a six year old, you may be getting a child that is three in mental and behavioral growth…you can’t be swayed by their looks or their size or even their pleas…you must fulfill the needs they have.  You may have to regress them a bit to help attachment.  This can mean rocking an older child and singing lullabies or feeding an older child.  It can last for a long time. 

• You must be committed and willing to reach out for help.  I do not judge any disruption situation.  I have lived through things I never thought I would or could live through.  When a situation becomes dangerous for others in the home…there is a point where you have to measure one child’s position with the safety of others.  Its’ a hard and heart wrenching decision.  In general though…you have to be willing to stretch your boundaries.  You need to search out a support network in advance.  Know friends or respite providers that are willing to give you a break sometimes and still follow your structure and routine.  Find therapists that work with older children in adoption and have them lined up and insurance approved before you need them.  Attachment parent from day one – it can never hurt…but it can hurt if you don’t do it and your child has RAD (trust me on this one…I messed up here).

• Have structure in place.  Let the child know what a day looks like at your house and then stick with it.  If there will be a change in structure, let them know.  If you have a child plagued by anxiety, figure out which way works best.  We’ve learned that telling our DD too early causes panic attacks.  So, we don’t tell her.  We’ve gone to the airport before telling her we are taking a vacation before.  Find what works…if one thing doesn’t…don’t expect it to work ‘soon’.  Give it a few days and then switch it up – I’m talking about consequences.  Be firm with them.  Set boundaries and follow them every time.

• Don’t overdo it…they don’t need to go to an amusement park every weekend.  They don’t need expensive gifts every day…and really, holidays (especially birthdays) can be traumatic events.  Try to follow their lead and if they can’t handle something, be ok with leaving the situation.  For parties, let your host know in advance that you may have to leave quickly…have one spouse who can do that if someone must stay.  Then, actually do it.

• FAKE it until you make it.  It’s not Hallmark people.  You, most likely, will not be in love with them the first time you meet them.  You aren’t a robot…you are both human.  There will be battles of will…take on those you plan to win and win them…but let others go.  Hug them and kiss them even when you don’t feel like it.  Ignore the hurtful things that you know are simply for attention and don’t ignore their feelings.  Let them talk about their past in a safe environment…give them breathing space, while keeping them close.  They should not be plugged in very often (too much chance to zone out and leave their lives), they should not be alone in their rooms too often (they need to build a trust in family).  Give them small chances to prove their trustworthiness…but don’t set them up for failure.  Apologize if you are wrong…proving that telling the truth about your own actions is admirable. 

• Expect the truth from day one.  Call out the lies and explain that the truth is required in their home (your home…now theirs).  Give them chances to practice.  They’ve practiced lying a lot in their pasts to ‘save’ themselves.  If you know the truth, don’t give them an opportunity to lie.  State what you know and let them accept that you know it. 

• Try to differentiate between ‘normal’ growth stages and ‘adoption’ stuff.  This is really hard.  Is my 11 year old arguing every single thing I say because he’s 11?  Or is he doing it because of his RAD…because he wants to pull away?  There will be signs to help you know.

• Most of all – take care of you.  You can’t give away your life to your children…you are no good to them if you do that.  Take care of yourself physically and mentally.  Exercise, feel good about yourself and it will rub off on them.  Take time for naps or baths or dinners with friends…set the example of what a happy, healthy life looks like.  Chances are they never saw an adult live that way before.

 Voni blogs about life with RAD and life in general at http://www.kretzklan.blogspot.com/ and write on attachment for www.growninmyheart.com

Press Release on Groundbreaking Study on Identity and Transracial Adoption

This is so exciting! Below is the press release for a major study on identity for adopted persons. Please click HERE for the source site and also to download the entire study. Below are just the highlights and they totally support what I’ve been learning through my site.

 

NEW YORK, Nov. 9, 2009 – The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute today released a major study on identity formation for adopted persons, a groundbreaking work that provides significant new information and insights that can be used to improve laws, policies and practices &ndash as well as public understanding &ndash on a range of issues relating to adoption, particularly across racial lines.

The study, launched with funding from the Kellogg Foundation, is the centerpiece of a 113-page report entitled “Beyond Culture Camp: Promoting Positive Identity Formation in Adoption.” It is the broadest, most extensive examination of adult adoptive identity to date, based on input from the primary experts on the subject: adults who were adopted as children. Central findings include:

• Adoption becomes an increasingly significant aspect of identity for most adopted people &ndash and race/ethnicity grows in importance for adoptees of color &ndash throughout childhood and into adulthood. These findings raise questions about some current attitudes, practices and policies predicated on the notion that these factors diminish in importance after adolescence.
• Adoption-related teasing and bias are a reality for many adoptees, but more so for Whites &ndash who experienced the most negative behavior and comments from extended family and childhood friends. Race trumped adoption for adopted persons of color; i.e., a large majority experienced race-based discrimination rather than (or in addition to) adoption-related negativity.
• A significant majority of transracially adopted adults reported considering themselves to be or wanting to be White as children &ndash a stark message to parents and professionals, though most eventually grew to identify themselves as members of their racial/ethnic group (in this case, Korean Americans). Even as adults, a minority have not reconciled their racial identity.
• The most effective strategies for achieving positive identity formation are “lived experiences” &ndash in particular, travel to native country and attending racially diverse schools for the transracial adoptees, and contact with birth relatives for Whites adopted domestically. A majority of adopted adults in both categories said they had searched for their roots in some way.

Among the key recommendations, based on this research, are:

• Expand preparation and post-placement support for parents adopting across race and culture.
• Develop empirically based practices and resources to prepare transracially and transculturally adopted youth to cope with racial bias.
• Promote laws, policies and practices that facilitate access to information for adopted individuals.
• Educate parents, teachers, practitioners and the media about adoption’s realities to erase stigmas and stereotypes, minimize adoption-related bias, and improve children’s experiences.

“Tens of millions of people in our country are already directly connected to adoption, and tens of thousands of additional children are waiting for permanent families,” said Adam Pertman, the Adoption Institute’s Executive Director. “Our goal for this research is ambitious: to improve all their lives in practical ways today &ndash even as we utilize the new information and insights from the findings to make adoption itself an increasingly knowledge-based, healthy and ethical institution into the future.”

The survey at the core of this research was completed by 468 adult adoptees (making it, to our knowledge, the largest study of adoption identity in adults to date in the U.S.). For comparison purposes, we focused on the two largest, most homogenous cohorts within the total group: 179 Korean-born respondents and 156 American-born Caucasian respondents, all adopted by two White parents. It is noteworthy that 1 in 10 of all Korean American citizens came to this country by adoption.

While one cohort of transracial adoptees (Korean Americans) is at the heart of the study, it is important to note that an extensive Adoption Institute review of decades of relevant literature (Appendix I), as well as the Institute’s examination of transracial adoption from foster care (see “Finding Homes for African American Children” at http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/research/2008_05_mepa.php), make clear that many of the findings and recommendations in this new report apply to other domestically and internationally adopted persons and families as well.

The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute is an independent, nonpartisan, national nonprofit that is the pre-eminent research, policy and education organization in its field. Its mission is to “provide leadership that improves laws, policies and practices – through sound research, education and advocacy – in order to better the lives of everyone touched by adoption.”

For more information about “Beyond Culture Camp” or to schedule an interview with Executive Director Adam Pertman, email apertman@adoptioninstitute.org or call 617-763-0134. To read or download a copy of the report, go to http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/research/2009_11_culture_camp.php

 

Interesting Article Transracial Adoption

Interesting article  from the NY Times about a Korean Adoptee who wished she was white and also mention of  “one of the largest studies of transracial adoptions, which is to be released on Monday.”  I will look for this study tomorrow too.

As a child, Kim Eun Mi Young hated being different. 

When her father brought home toys, a record and a picture book on South Korea, the country from which she was adopted in 1961, she ignored them.

Growing up in Georgia, Kansas and Hawaii, in a military family, she would date only white teenagers, even when Asian boys were around.

“At no time did I consider myself anything other than white,” said Ms. Young, 48, who lives in San Antonio. “I had no sense of any identity as a Korean woman. Dating an Asian man would have forced me to accept who I was.”

It was not until she was in her 30s that she began to explore her Korean heritage. One night, after going out to celebrate with her husband at the time, she says she broke down and began crying uncontrollably.

Read more…